COVID-19: a business owner's unfiltered experience

It has been a whirlwind.  I don’t know where to begin.  

On the worst days, it felt like people expected the impossible: answers when there were none, energy when we had none, and then when we were at our very lowest, flawless grace in the face of criticism.  Things changed so incredibly rapidly that it felt like we were always trying to catch up: there was always more information to communicate, another video update to shoot, another long text to be sent to the team, another Zoom meeting that should happen.  We keenly felt our physical, mental, and emotional limitations (and our lack of years of leadership experience).  Trying to intentionally pick and choose to focus on certain aspects of the situation meant knowingly dropping other balls that seemed almost equally critical.  (The emotional weight of that alone was pretty taxing.)  

And then there was the aftermath of not having had that conversation, writing that email, looping that person into the dialogue.  It seemed like the default response to a misunderstanding or lack of communication was, “I thought we were trying to take care of people and here we are…!”  Why is it so human nature to default to doubt instead of to trust?  Of course, we were trying to take care of people and something we did or said (or didn’t do or say) was misconstrued to mean something that we did not at all intend.  But it was framed as an accusation, which meant that it took a lot of self-control, discipline, and emotional energy just to keep from getting defensive in the moment.  (Not to mention the hours and energy spent debriefing afterward, finally getting to an emotional state in which we could see and receive the intended message, then working to rebuild the energy reserves that were lost.)

Hard conversations happened all around: friendships were strained, we were misunderstood, misjudged, accused, misunderstood.  I wanted to get oh so defensive, but I couldn’t let myself.  When you lead, it’s not your place.  Right?  You have to take the misjudgment, the criticism, and find the grains of truth in it: sifting out the emotion on both sides and finding what’s real.  But it’s so painful to be misjudged and misunderstood when you’re giving absolutely everything you have (and then some) in an effort to do the right thing for others (e.g. Jason’s example of leadership = being on a stage naked, having people criticize and critique you from a comfortable, fully-clothed backstage and audience).  In those moments I wanted to just curl up and tap out: to say “I’m not cut out for this”, to fire up my resume, and get another job.  We were both there more days than I’d like to admit.  And that made it almost harder.  To feel my own pain from the assaults and then to see it reflected in someone else sometimes felt like too much to bear.  But we couldn’t give ourselves the luxury of getting stuck there.

Aside from the internal stuff, the situation was overwhelming as it was.  There weren’t many days when we didn’t feel like we were in over our heads.  It wasn’t fear of bankruptcy or financial stress that kept us from sleeping well for weeks on end, it was the fear of our people getting hurt or experiencing some type of setback as a result of our decisions despite all of our best energy and efforts.  

The landscape continued to change so incredibly rapidly that there was always the unspoken question, “What are we missing?”  We communicated frequently with our banker, accountant, and attorney as things progressed to make sure that we were making the best possible decisions based on the most current developments.  (Meanwhile, well-meaning friends or mentors would send us information that was already outdated, trying to make sure we were “staying up on things.”)  But there remained the gnawing fear that we weren’t thinking through something correctly or maybe there was a new impending update that would require us to change strategies yet again.  Yes, I should’ve kept track of how many times we met as a team or strategize in some way to create a great plan that was irrelevant within hours or maybe a day at best.  (Flexibility and adaptability were the currency of the season!)

Yet throughout the entirety of this time, we felt generally positive.  To be honest, I don’t know that we ever gave ourselves a choice in that matter.  (After all, who rallies around a negative leader in times of distress?  How could that approach possibly bring the energy and forward motion that we so desperately needed as a team to walk through [and out of] a time like this and be better and stronger for it?)  But it wasn’t a farce.  We genuinely believed (and continue to do so) that difficulties and disruptions can be seen as enemies or they can be leveraged as opportunities for growth.  It may not make them easier in the moment, but it sure does make them more worth it in the end.  Truly, there are areas in which we’ll each likely experience setbacks, but if we’re kinder, wiser, more resilient people at the end of this, we could still realize a net gain and be better for life as a result.  So we kept up with the positive messaging, bringing our perspective on the evolving situation and the vision that we wanted to convey to our people. 

Alongside some of our lowest emotional lows, we also had some of our record highs.  We heard incredibly encouraging words from our people on the front lines and received gifts and notes from team members throughout the company.  It wasn’t even what they said or gave that was so incredibly meaningful in and of itself, but their gestures made us feel like our efforts were noticed and appreciated.  It made the hard days feel worth it to remember that we were doing this with these amazing people whom we so deeply love: the Integrous Fam.  And hey, when we felt them actively loving us back, it was super rewarding and refreshing...a real infusion of energy!

It’s easy to focus on the tough stuff because it made such an impact and was such a big drain.  But most days were truly spent embracing the process and adjusting as needed while attempting to stay on top of all of the incoming, ever-changing information.  I think we learned a lot.  I hope so.  It was definitely humbling because, in times like these, you realize how much you don’t know.  (Couple that with a keen awareness that your flaws are on display.)  

A couple of takeaways.

Mindset: We frequently did mental resets and experienced the power of choosing where to place our focus and the way in which that reframed our outlook and attitudes.  (Not surprisingly, this inspired many of our updates for the company.)

Leadership fatigue: It’s a real deal.  People seem to think you’re invincible, that they can throw anything at you and you won’t be phased (if so, that’s a very learned skill that at the least takes a significant toll on most of us).  Yet you want them to be free to bring the real stuff that they’re thinking through, the questions they’re asking...so it feels like a catch-22.  

Lastly, be kind. Give the benefit of the doubt. Make sure people know you’re in their corner when you bring a concern.  They’ll be much more apt to embrace what you have to say.